BEN FOLDS: 3 STEPS TO BECOMING A LADY KILLER

Studies have shown that there are universal standards for attractiveness. There’s also been a significant amount of data to suggest that we date people approximately as hot as ourselves.  For men, some desirable qualities are substantial height, square jaws, wide brows, wide shoulders, strong arms, defined chests, symmetrical faces, and deep voices.  Ben Folds, musician and judge on the Sing Off, is by no means a grotesque looking man, but he possesses none of those universally sexy traits.  The last known record of his height ("47 inches high in September ’75") says he’s pretty damn short.  In addition, his muscles are underwhelming, his face is far from symmetrical, and most women have deeper voices than him.  Therefore, one would think Ben Folds, a guy who looks like this:
                                  

           Would be hitting on girls who look like Ugly Betty:
                                          

Fortunately for Ben, that’s not the case.  Here he’s pictured with his latest wife Fleur:                  
                                  

Pretty + edible  ears= the ultimate woman

For most of us, it’s hard to believe someone who looks like Ben folds would ever EVER get a woman to marry him- even an old warty she-troll.  So, as if his marriage to a naturally beautiful woman with a sexy first name isn’t surprising enough, get this:  Fleur is was fourth wife.  That’s right, Folds has been married FOUR times... and, shockingly, not once to a blind woman.  How is that possible, you ask?  The answer is simple:  Ben Folds has mastered the art of wooing more attractive women, and here's how he does it…

1.       HE PLAYS THE PIANO.

If you know anything about Ben Folds, then you probably know he’s a singer-songwriter who plays the piano.  We all know that a man playing ANY instrument (unless it’s something wimpy like the Clarinet) is bound to attract the ladies, but the piano attracts a very special type of woman.  The average person thinks that it’s an instrument reflective of social class.  We assume that if you’re extremely rich, then you own a kick-ass piano.  We also assume that if you’re extremely poor, then you probably either tune pianos for a living or search craigslist for free ones that can be used as firewood come wintertime.  Such stereotypes have us viewing the piano as an instrument of wealth, sophistication, and all-around classiness.  One would assume such an association would only lead to Ben Folds scoring with super snooty high society prudes.  However, Ben Folds hates uppity women, so he discovered how to keep them away: rocking the shit out of the piano.

By playing non-classical music on a classy instrument, Ben appeals to an audience that still values some sophistication but is also hip: college students and graduates.  Wait, but what’s wrong with girls who don’t attend college?  Nothing, except that if Ben loses his ability to play music and wants to spend all of his money on stupid shit that he doesn’t need, then a wife with a college degree is more likely to make sure food stays in Ben’s stomach when Fleur runs out of ears for him to munch on.

The lesson for ugly guys:
If you learn to rock out on a piano like it’s nobody’s business, you too will find yourself swimming in college girls… even if you look like Shrek.

2.       HE WRITES CUTE SONGS FOR HIS CUTE KIDS.

Since the beginning of time, the trick that the unfortunately fugly used to get some action was buying a cute puppy and using its adorableness to rake in the ladies.  This technique can be effective, but it has risks (dog poop on her new jogging shoes, uncontrollable humping, etc…).  Ben found an ingenious way to avoid the perils of the puppy by making some twins with his third wife.  Over the course of his next two albums, he wrote a song for each of them.  Here’s the one he wrote for his son, Louis:

               

The song shows two things:

a.       Ben’s making an effort as a father to grasp the difficulties of childhood and to grow with his son (emphasized by the heart meltingly adorable music video).

b.      He can do more than just rock the shit out of the piano.... He can craft a beautiful fatherly love ballad.

By demonstrating that he has diversity as a musician AND that he’s a sweet care-bear of a father, Ben Folds is appealing to every person on the planet who isn’t heartless (and probably converting most of the peeps who are).  The song he wrote for his daughter, Gracie, on the following album is maybe even more cute-- proof that Still Fighting It wasn’t just a lucky fluke of seductive magic.

            
The lesson for ugly guys:
It’s pretty clear that if you don’t have children you need to get some.  Obviously, the goal is to obtain kids the natural way (awww yeaaahhh).  However, if you’re having trouble finding a fertile woman to sleep with and subsequently surrender custody of the offspring, there are other options:

1.       Adoption.

2.       Fake/Imaginary Children.

3.       Kidnapping.

4.       Donated eggs and a surrogate mother.

5.       Other/Orphans discovered in a boxcar.

Once you’ve used any means necessary to obtain a cute child, you need to follow Ben Folds’ example and find a way to show the women of the world that you’re a loving parent.  Whether that means writing beautiful songs for your children or being brave enough to breast feed them from your man-tits in the public park; once you’ve shown that you’re a family man, the rest of the pieces will fall into place on their own.

3.       HE HAS AN ACCENT

Accents are decidedly sexy, and Ben Folds has one.  Born and raised in North Carolina, Ben developed a slight southern drawl.  Now, there will be people who say a southern accent isn’t a good thing, but I’m willing to bet those haters haven't had 4 wives. 

It’s true that when most people think of attractive accents, they think of something foreign or exotic.  In reality, that’s not what we like.  According to Scientific American, our nation discriminates against foreign accents.  Americans closed-mindedly assume that if you sound like you’re from somewhere other than North America, then you’re less intelligent than us (and probably a terrorist).  Ben Folds doesn’t have to deal with that shit.  His accent is as American as watching baseball from the back of a Ford pickup.  Better yet, his southern drawl is associated with the single most exciting thing America has to offer:  the cowboy.  It’s no coincidence that the Western genre is so ingrained in American film and literature; cowboy stories offer the lawlessness, violence, and sex that the American masses crave.  Cowboys are straight up manly... and that turns women on.  Just ask Bo Peep from Toy Story.
               
                      

She totally wants his woody, and Ben Folds’ too.

               
The lesson for ugly guys:
If you don’t have a distinct and awesome American accent (or a sexy accent from an allied or neutral country), then start pretending that you have one.  With enough practice, you’ll be able to lasso any girl you want.  If you get really good, maybe someday you’ll have four wives too.

The Family Sign by Atmosphere

The little commercial success that the hip-hop group Atmosphere has had in the past can be attributed to songs like "You," "Sunshine," and "Yesterday"-- all of which are pleasing, upbeat, and accessible on an instrumental level.  The songs on Atmosphere's latest release, however, depart from the tunefulness of the group's previous consumer hits.  The album opens with "My Key," a song filled with heavy handed piano in a minor key, depressing lyrics ('half life gets spent behind a wheel, trying to claim innocent while I assemble my appeal'), and layers of synthesizers and guitars that fade in and out, almost overwhelmingly.

The most positive song on the album is "She's Enough."  Throughout the course of the song, Atmosphere's front-man, Slug, spits a string of compliments from the perspective of a boyfriend who would do anything for his girl ('She's my lady, case closed.  She wanna baby so I gave her one of those').  The song features the most up-tempo beat on the album, a distorted yet catchy blend of electric guitar and keyboards; however, "She's Enough" does little to lighten the mood of the album as a whole.

The remainder of the album is dark-- like the albums' opening track-- but the heavy themes and sounds do not detract from the quality of the album. The Family Sign has introspective and interesting lyrics.  Slug, who has garnered well-deserved respect for his abilities to tell stories through his music, is on top of his game in this regard.  Over the course of the album, he is able to construct different identities as a means of telling his stories.  He raps from the perspective of a dad, a friend, a neighbor, a boyfriend, an ex, and a son.  From each perspective, his lyrics seem genuine and mature.  "Who I'll Never Be," for example, tells the story of someone who overhears a depressed girl living next door; she's locked herself away in her room to write songs as an escape from her problems.  The lyrics are never overdone with sentiment, and, as a result, the track seems honest and touching, despite its bleak lyrical content.

Ant, the mastermind behind Atmosphere's beats, does a great job of providing music that reflects the dark lyrical tone of the majority of the songs on the album.  Although the beats often heavy, they're never boring.  The music remains a perfect complement to Slug's lyrics throughout the album as Ant blends drum-kits with live guitars, keyboards, and synthesizers.


The Family Sign might not be an immediately accessible album, but it's worth wading through the dark tones and themes to hear the stories told on Atmosphere's seventh official studio album.  Whether Slug is rapping in earnest or tongue-in-cheek, his storytelling has never been better than it is on The Family Sign.

Exile In Guyville

Exile In Guyville opens with " 6'1'' ", a song which nicely sets the tone for the rest of Phair's cd.  Distorted yet tame and catchy guitars are laid over edgy, upbeat drums that give Phair's music a feeling of confidence and rebelliousness before her voice even enters into the mix.  When she does sing, the mood set by the music is confirmed.  It sounds as if Phair is making little effort to sound beautiful.  Instead, her vocals seem either controlled by or reflective of her feelings of rage, confidence, and sexuality.  Her voice is often more of a slightly off-key melodic screaming than it is traditional singing.  This provides a feeling of intimacy with her; Phair's unique delivery is passionate and emotionally charged.  As a result, her 'singing' style strengthens her music and image in two ways: It makes it appear as if she has a deep personal investment in each of her songs, and it makes it seem like she doesn't give a shit about conforming to any musical standards other than her own.

Lyrically, Phair continues trend of intimacy as she talks about her problems, frustrations, and feelings toward men.  Even her slower and less emotionally driven songs like "Dance of the Seven Veils" and "Flower", for example, contain such personal lyrics that the feeling of intimate connection with Phair isn't lost with their absence of energy.  In Flower, Phair sings quietly and almost innocently the lyrics "every time I see your face I get all wet between my legs.  Every time you pass me by, I heave a sigh of pain".  She's completely willing to outline her sexual and emotional feelings with her lyrics.  Though in many places her music alone seems representative of her sentiments, her words express them explicitly.

On Exile In Guyville Phair shows through her music, singing style, and lyrics that she isn't afraid to express the more personal and explicit side of femininity that female artists (in my experience) tend to avoid in their music.  As a result, Exile in Guyville sounds refreshingly honest and unrestrained.

Memory Lane

In 7th grade I had not yet been to a concert that wasn't courtesy of our town's public library and consisting of a man wearing suspenders who was singing about staying in school. I would frequently reassure myself that "that guy wasn't that bad" and "he's better than no concert at all".  However, in actuality I desperately wanted to go to a concert that had  more people in attendance than books.
      
Late in my 7th grade year, my wishes were granted when I got a ticket to see Ben Kweller at the spring concert at a small college in my town.  I bought his CD Sha Sha with an iTunes gift card and listened to it obsessively for the weeks leading up to the concert.

My favorite track on that album was Commerce, TX.  Every time I listened to it, I thought "Ben Kweller knows just how I feel".  In retrospect, making such an assumption based upon that particular song was stupid of me.  Aside from being about nonconformity (which was as far from being my reality as possible), it had completely nonsense lyrics.

When the concert came, Kweller didn't play Commerce, TX in his regular set.  I was pretty pissed: "Maybe Ben Kweller doesn't know just how I feel.  What a jerk."

Fortunately, an encore was demanded.  As Kweller literally cartwheeled back onto the stage, a fat and very drunk college student threw his arm around me and cheered in sheer joy for the return of "the Kwellster".  I tried to worm away from his sultry left armpit, but when I heard the first chords of Commerce, TX, I gave up.  From his embrace I sang along with Ben Kweller at the top of my lungs.

There are few moments in my life that I remember being so purely happy and excited.  Every time I hear Commerce, TX, I am immediately brought back to that student's armpit and reminded of music's ability to completely sculpt emotion.  Even though I've since learned that guy who played at our library, Justin Roberts, was nominated for a Grammy for best children's album, I still consider Ben Kweller my first real concert experience.  I won't ever forget it.